I Want To Know Magazine
Article Title: Bigfoot Scandals
Author: Unknown
Editor: Unknown
Release Date: January 8, 2010
Country of Origin: USA
Price: $5.00
I just discovered a shocking truth. World's famous actor Bigfoot was spotted shitting inside a tree! I now ask you the reader if nobody is around to see Bigfoot shit in the woods does he really exist? Welp fellow readers, I'm here to tell you about the recent scandals of Bigfoot. As a 7 year veteran journo at I Wanna Know Magazine I strive to bring to you the readers nothing but the best in tabloid journoism!
For 7 years I Wanna Know Magazine has been the world's leading tabloid magazine in the paranormal, supernatural, and conspiracies. I have seen it all from UFOs being the universe's biggest trolls to ghosts taking over the real estate market with their house-flipping schemes. My investigations into every corner of society are unrivaled by any other publication on Earth as I search for answers that will forever change our lives!
Now let's talk about the Bigfoot scandals dear readers. You may be asking yourself "What do you mean by Bigfoot scandals?" Well friends I'll tell you exactly how this came about. In 2001 Bigfoot was spotted shitting inside a tree after eating a shitload of tacos at Tacos Rule while driving his SUV. Bigfoot was on his way to film on set when he stopped off in the woods. While he was enjoying some Mexican food Bigfoot had a sudden urge which he couldn't hold back so instead he went in a tree and took care of business as you do.
But why did Bigfoot shit in a tree? What is the conspiracy behind such an act I ask?! This was not the first time I asked these questions either because in 2004 I conducted another investigation unrelated to Bigfoot. The Bogey Man! When did he come out of the closet?
He has been hiding in your closet since the 40s! So tell me where you were during those days, readers! Oh wait…none of you were born yet! But I digress. Let's get down to brass tacks here and discuss our main subject.
Bigfoot! Real? Or a man in a suit with nothing to lose? Find out readers in this issue of I Wanna Know Magazine. But now let's talk about conspiracies. It seems like everyone and their grandmother has one nowadays. Some are silly but others are truly scary. One of them is whether or not the Men In Black wear underwear. They don't! That is the truth! I know it! However, there are many more conspiracies that need to be discussed.
Is Bigfoot really running for President in 2012? If that turns out true then who would make the perfect VP candidate for him? The Loch Ness Monster? Will the world ever see the day that the Loch Ness Monster walks into the White House as the vice president of the United States on the ticket for Bigfoot as the presidential nominee for the Republican Party? There are only two years left until election season starts up again.
Now let me bring to light the biggest scandal that has rocked the paranormal community to its core: Bigfoot Scandals! Let's start with the first Bigfoot scandal. In August of 2009 three separate witnesses reported seeing the famous Sasquatch take out his anger on random citizens. A woman claimed she saw the beast kicking her front door down before stealing the family television. The police then pointed at him and told him to put the TV down.
He replied "No!" after that they chased after Bigfoot. Another witness said that they witnessed Bigfoot raping their mother. Finally the last victim claims that the creature stole their car. Now this is just speculation but could it have been that same damn SUV that we talked about earlier? Yes!
Next let me bring to the table the second biggest Bigfoot scandal. As we all remember on December 5, 2008 it was announced that Bigfoot changed his name to Hellquatch. Why the hell did the legendary monster change it!? Well it is simple readers. He is no longer interested in being known as just plain old 'Bigfoot' as it is too pedestrian for the legend that is Bigfoot.
Readers, did you know there’s laws against hunting Bigfoot in Washington? But if you yell that 'it's coming right for us' first then you can shoot Bigfoot. Then we have the third biggest Bigfoot story of all time. On November 17, 2007 a political figure was found dead inside of an airplane bathroom. Many thought it to have been foul play but there was also talk that Bigfoot might've had something to do with it as well! Did the mighty beast kill this politician to further their own political agenda? Who knows.
There is a world renowned Bigfoot hunter a Native American woman named Tacohontas, who is most noted for being the world's leading expert on the sasquatch. Her expertise has led to numerous books on the topic of sasquatch. She has done extensive research on the subject of the mysterious hairy man-ape. Tacohontas is widely regarded as the leading authority on all things related to Bigfoot.
Big Fucking Foot The world's greatest actor and celebrity since 1967. Born on October 20th, 1939 in Northern Commiefornia. His very first scandal was in 1977 when he got caught in a brewery throwing barrels of beer at a 24 year old brewery worker named Gimlin Patterson. Rumors say that it was yo momma jokes that pissed the big guy off. But it's hard to say for sure.
The next biggest scandal to hit the headlines on the world's favorite actor came in 1982 when he gambled on his favorite sports team The Ancient Apes. At the age of 43 years old, Bigfoot lost $10 million dollars betting on their game versus The Red Orangutans. This is considered to be the biggest gambling loss in Bigfoot history.
His biggest personal tragedy to date occurred on May 18, 1987. While trying to avoid the paparazzi, Bigfoot was spotted raping the homeless. When the cops showed up, he threw the bums at them. After that, he tried to escape from the law and made it as far as Minnesota. But the local authorities managed to capture the great star.
Bigfoot was then in prison for ten years until 1997. During that period, he became the top inmate. Before being released, he came out of the closet as homosexual. So stunning and brave! Sadly the public wasn't ready for a homosexual cryptid yet. They much preferred homosexual human beings instead.
In 1999 he returned to the limelight as the world's leading spokesman for the environment. He has been fighting to be able to fuck the whales of the world's oceans. For the past 10 years he has been touring the country with the Save the Whales campaign. Since leaving the slammer he has been doing everything in his power to try and get back into the spotlight. He's written several best selling memoirs about how it feels being gay in the world of crypto zoology.
But now readers I want to ask you a very important question. Is Bigfoot secretly Santa Claus? You may think that's crazy, and maybe he really isn't the jolly fat man himself! But I'm here to tell you that this is not a joke. Let's look into the facts.
Santa has been seen shitting in igloos for over 500 years now! And you know what else? Bigfoot shits in trees. Are you starting to see the connection here? I am!
When you combine these two things together, you get Bigfoot shitting in the chimneys of houses across the world. In fact, that is what he does every Christmas Eve to remind people of his existence and the real meaning behind this holiday. You may be asking yourself "Why are you telling me such a bizarre conspiracy theory?"
Well, you see, I wanted to bring attention to the plight of Bigfoot in today's society. But I don’t care who you are, you'll never forget Bigfoot and how he shits in the woods.
As you may or may not know readers, Bigfoot faked his death this year. He decided to live in Australia. Bigfoot has been living in the Australian Outback for two years and doesn't plan on returning to America. He has rebranded himself as the Giant Australian Red Ape.
So tell me readers, did you enjoy my Bigfoot scandals? I hope so because I'm going to keep writing more of these articles until the day comes when people no longer care about the paranormal, supernatural, and conspiracies. Until then, stay tuned to I Wanna Know Magazine for more sensational stories. The moral of the story? Don't shit in a tree!
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