Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, helped bring the term “gaslighting” into public consciousness with her 2007 book “The Gaslight Effect.”

Someone who’s gaslighting might:

• insist you said or did things you know you didn’t do
• deny or scoff at your recollection of events
• call you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs or concerns
• express doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind
• twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you
• insist they’re right and refuse to consider facts or your perspective

Signs you’ve experienced gaslighting

Experiencing gaslighting can leave you second-guessing yourself constantly, not to mention overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain about your ability to make decisions on your own.

Other key signs you’re experiencing gaslighting include:

• an urge to apologize all the time
• believing you can’t do anything right
• frequent feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or worry
• a loss of confidence
• constantly wondering if you’re too sensitive
• feeling disconnected from your sense of self, as if you’re losing your identity
• believing you’re to blame when things go wrong
• a persistent sense that something isn’t right, though you can’t identify exactly what’s wrong
• a lingering sense of hopelessness, frustration, or emotional numbness

These feelings tend to come from what the other person says or implies about your behavior. For example:

• “You seem so confused lately, and you keep forgetting things. I’m getting a little worried.”
• “You know I wouldn’t say these things if I didn’t care, right?”

This mask of concern can leave you even more convinced there’s something “wrong” with you.

Gaslighting can also show up as changes in your behavior. You might find yourself:

• making choices to please others instead of yourself
• frequently questioning whether you said the right thing or made the right choice
• making excuses for the person gaslighting you to family and friends
• lying or isolating yourself from loved ones to avoid conflict
• constantly reviewing your words and actions to make sure you’ve done everything “right”
• spending little or no time on the activities or hobbies you used to enjoy

According to Stern, people often gaslight because being right allows them to validate themselves. When gaslighters feel threatened, they need you to believe and support their version of events in order to maintain their sense of power and control.

Gaslighting can also happen when someone believes their narrative is more valid than someone else’s, says Ana De La Cruz, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida.

Persuading someone else to question their own reality, then, can leave them with a sense of superiority, De La Cruz explains.

• Disbelief. Someone displays gaslighting behavior. It seems unusual, but you brush it off as a one-time thing.
• Defense. After a few more instances of gaslighting, you start to defend yourself.
• Depression. Eventually, you accept their version of reality to avoid conflict and do whatever you can to earn their approval. But this denial of reality drains your energy, disconnecting you from yourself and leaving you feeling low and hopeless.

Anyone can gaslight, not just people in your personal life. Politicians, for example, gaslight when they deny events recorded on video or witnessed by multiple people. Doctors may gaslight when they suggest you’ve imagined your symptoms, imply that you’re exaggerating your pain, or recommend therapy instead of medical treatment.

Here are some other examples of gaslighting in action:

With family

You live with your mother. The two of you get along fairly well, but she often questions you when you come home a little late.

“You said you’d be home right after work tonight,” she insists one day. “I need my medication, but now the pharmacy will be closed by the time we get there.”

When you tell her you don’t recall that conversation about taking her to run errands, she shakes her head in disbelief. “You stood right there and promised you’d be home early.”

But you remember making coffee quietly in the kitchen so you wouldn’t wake her. You say this, but she refuses to consider your version of events.

Later, you overhear her talking loudly on the phone. “I’m just not sure about his state of mind,” she says. “He can’t even remember a conversation from this morning!”

Similar situations play out repeatedly, to the point where you begin wondering whether you are forgetting everything.

In a romantic relationship

You have some pretty convincing proof your partner cheated. You ask them about it directly, giving them a chance to be honest.

Consider these two reactions:

• “What? No, of course I’m not cheating on you.”
• “How dare you accuse me of cheating. I work all day and come home to spend time with you, but you’re never here. You say you’re working, but who knows where you are? You’re probably the one cheating. And if I were cheating, it’s not like you could blame me, since you’re always too tired for sex.”

The first response is just a lie. The second, however, may be an attempt to make you feel guilty enough to drop the subject for good. Even if you don’t believe them, you might end up questioning your evidence of their affair — or feeling bad for not being a “better” partner and try to make it up to them instead.

At work

You’ve earned a promotion to be a manager. With the promotion comes an assistant manager — someone who wanted that same promotion.

Over the past few weeks, you’ve noticed documents disappearing from your desk and important phone messages not coming through.

When you ask the assistant manager if they’ve seen any of the documents, their angry reaction surprises you.

“Are you accusing me of taking your things? Remember, my job is to help you. Why would I do anything like that?”

When you ask about another missing file a few weeks later, they say, “You know, you seem really stressed lately. This promotion is a big change. Not everyone can handle the responsibility.”

When seeking medical care

For months, you’ve had some persistent abdominal symptoms that concern you, along with a generally low mood and fatigue.

Your doctor, however, seems skeptical. They ask whether you could be pregnant or if the symptoms relate to your period. You assure them the symptoms come and go at all times and that you’re definitely not pregnant.

“I see you mention some feelings of depression. Sometimes depression can manifest with more physical symptoms. Have you considered talking to a therapist?”

You already noted in your paperwork that you’re working with a therapist, but you mention this again. You try to explain that you think your low mood relates more to your regular pain, discomfort, and lack of energy.

“Therapy can make such a difference. I’m sure you’ll notice some improvement before long. In a few months we can talk about some testing if there’s no change, but this doesn’t look like anything serious.”

Their dismissal doesn’t feel right, but, then, you didn’t go to medical school, either. If they say your symptoms are nothing to worry about, well, maybe they really aren’t that bad, after all.

Read more about medical gaslighting.

Gaslighting often works partly because you want to trust the person gaslighting you and earn their approval. You (very understandably) want to have faith in your doctor, your parents, or your best friend.

“We all carry insecurities we’re afraid to acknowledge,” De La Cruz notes. “When someone gives us a reason to doubt ourselves, it’s like they’ve given us permission to allow those insecurities to come to life.”

Plus, gaslighting isn’t always obvious or extreme. Often, it’s disguised as an attempt to “look out for you.”

“I’m sorry I have to tell you this,” your roommate says one day. “But your friends don’t really like you. They only hang out with you because you have money and they can take advantage of you. I just thought you should know.”

Their words resonate because you’ve secretly worried about that. You could always ask your friends, but that kernel of doubt leaves you afraid of their response.

If you’ve noticed some signs of gaslighting, you can take steps to address it and reclaim your emotional space.

Turn to loved ones

If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, it never hurts to get some outside perspective. Trusted friends and family members not directly involved in the relationship can:

• offer their perspective
• help you get some clarity
• provide emotional support

If you’ve recently started to distance yourself from your loved ones, keep in mind that isolation can only make gaslighting more successful.

Take notes

It’s often easier to question yourself about an argument or discussion that happened days ago.

Recording events immediately after they happen provides evidence you don’t need to second-guess. Jotting down highlights from a conversation or using a smartphone app to record your argument offers something to review when your memory is called into question.

You may not feel comfortable confronting the person, but your notes can help you recognize what’s happening.

Set clear boundaries

Establishing boundaries can interrupt someone’s attempts to gaslight you and provide some physical and emotional space.

The next time it happens, you might say:

• “It seems we remember things differently, so let’s move on.”
• “If you call me ‘crazy,’ I’m going to leave the room.”
• “We can talk about it, but if you shout, I’m going to leave.”

Sticking to these boundaries is essential. Following through shows them they can’t manipulate you.

Hold on to the things that make you who you are

Gaslighting often involves a loss of personal identity. Over time, you might begin to feel like you’ve changed beyond recognition, or become numb and hollow.

Living in a constant state of nervousness and worry can leave you with little energy for self-care or your own interests.

Yet making time to meet your physical and emotional needs can help you reclaim your energy and hold on to your sense of self. You might even find it easier to navigate and challenge attempts to gaslight you, as a result.

Read more about how to respond to gaslighting.

Over time, gaslighting can:

• affect your sense of self-worth
• leave you unsure about making decisions
• contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and loneliness

Support from a mental health professional can go a long way toward helping you recognize and come to terms with the gaslighting and begin working through it.

A therapist can offer an unbiased perspective on gaslighting, along with compassionate guidance as you begin to:

• name and address any doubts and fears around your own self-worth
• work through painful or unwanted emotions
• accept that you didn’t cause or deserve the gaslighting
• explore and set healthy boundaries

A therapist can also teach you skills to:

• navigate attempted manipulation
• manage stress
• handle conflict productively

Couples counseling can also provide a safe space for you and your partner to learn new ways to communicate and resolve conflict. Just know therapists do not recommend counseling for abusive relationships. If you’re experiencing ongoing abuse, a therapist can help you develop a plan to leave the relationship safely.

THE BOTTOM LINE: 

Gaslighting may start out gradually, but this subtle manipulation can cause deep and lasting harm.

A therapist can help you begin to identify gaslighting and offer support with addressing its impact productively, without losing yourself in the process.

Emotional manipulators often use mind games to seize power in a relationship.

The ultimate goal is to use that power to control the other person.

A healthy relationship is based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. This is true of personal relationships, as well as professional ones.

Sometimes, people seek to exploit these elements of a relationship in order to benefit themselves in some way.

The signs of emotional manipulation can be subtle. They’re often hard to identify, especially when they’re happening to you.

That doesn’t mean that it’s your fault — no one deserves to be manipulated.

You can learn to recognize the manipulation and stop it. You can also learn to protect your self-esteem and sanity, too.

We’ll review common forms of emotional manipulation, how to recognize them, and what you can do next.

They claim ownership of that space, which leaves you at a disadvantage.

For example:

• “Walk over to my office when you can. I’m far too busy to trek over to you.”
• “You know how far of a drive that is for me. Come over here tonight.”

Emotional manipulators may skip a few steps in the traditional get-to-know-you phase. They “share” their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities.

What they’re really doing, however, is trying to make you feel special so that you divulge your secrets. They can use these sensitivities against you later.

For example:

• “I feel like we’re just connecting on a really deep level. I’ve never had this happen before.”
• “I’ve never had someone share their vision with me like you have. We’re really meant to be in this together.”

This is a popular tactic with some business relationships, but it can happen in personal ones, too.

When one person wants to establish control, they may ask probing questions so that you share your thoughts and concerns early.

With their hidden agenda in mind, they can then use your answers to manipulate your decisions.

For example:

• “Gosh, I never heard good things about that company. What was your experience?”
• “Well you’re just going to have to explain to me why you’re mad at me again.”

• “I asked a question about the project and she came at me, yelling about how I never did anything to help her, but you know I do, right?”
• “I cried all night and didn’t sleep a wink.”

If someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation.

Some manipulators presume to be the expert, and they impose their “knowledge” on you. This is particularly common in financial or sales situations.

For example:

• “You’re new to this, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
• “I know these are a lot of numbers for you, so I’ll go through this again slowly.”

Also, in the business setting, emotional manipulators may try to weigh you down with paperwork, red tape, procedures, or anything that can get in your way.

This is a particular possibility if you express scrutiny or ask questions that draw their flaws or weaknesses into question.

For example:

• “This will be way too difficult for you. I’d just stop now and save yourself the effort.”
• “You don’t have any idea the headache you’re creating for yourself.”

If you ask questions or make a suggestion, an emotional manipulator will likely respond in an aggressive manner or try to draw you into an argument.

This strategy allows them to control your choices and influence your decisions.

They may also use the situation to make you feel guilty for expressing your concerns in the first place.

For example:

• “I don’t understand why you don’t just trust me.”
• “You know I’m just an anxious person. I can’t help it I want to know where you are at all times.”

If you have a bad day, an emotional manipulator may take the opportunity to bring up their own issues.

The goal is to invalidate what you’re experiencing so that you’re forced to focus on them and exert your emotional energy on their problems.

For example:

• “You think that’s bad? You don’t have to deal with a cube-mate who talks on the phone all the time.”
• “Be thankful you have a brother. I’ve felt alone all my life.”

Someone who manipulates people’s emotions may eagerly agree to help with something but then turn around and drag their feet or look for ways to avoid their agreement.

They may act like it’s ended up being a huge burden, and they’ll seek to exploit your emotions in order to get out of it.

For example:

• “I know you need this from me. This is just a lot, and I’m already overwhelmed.”
• “This is harder than it looks. I don’t think you knew that when you asked me.”

Critical remarks may be disguised as humor or sarcasm. They may pretend they’re saying something in jest, when what they’re really trying to do is plant a seed of doubt.

For example:

• “Geez, you look exhausted!”
• “Well if you’d get up from your desk some and walk around, you wouldn’t get out of breath so easily.”

Emotional manipulators will never accept responsibility for their errors.

They will, however, try to find a way to make you feel guilty for everything. from a fight to a failed project.

You may end up apologizing, even if they’re the one at fault.

For example:

• “I only did it because I love you so much.”
• “If you hadn’t gone to your kid’s awards program, you could have finished the project the right way.”

When you’re elated, they find a reason to take the spotlight away from you. This can also happen in the negative sense.

When you’ve had a tragedy or setback, an emotional manipulator may try to make their problems seem worse or more pressing.

For example:

• “Your pay increase is great, but did you see someone else got a full promotion?”
• “I’m sorry your grandfather passed. I lost both of my grandparents in two weeks, so at least it’s not that bad.”

Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm. Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem.

They’re meant to ridicule and marginalize you. Often, the manipulator is projecting their own insecurities.

For example:

• “Don’t you think that dress is a little revealing for a client meeting? I guess that’s one way to get the account.”
• “All you do is eat.”

When they know your weak spots, they can use them to wound you. They may make comments and take actions that are meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and upset.

For example:

• “You said you’d never want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Look what you’re doing to them now.”
• “This is a tough audience. I’d be nervous if I was you.”

If you’re upset, someone who is manipulating you may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.

They may accuse you of being unreasonable or not being adequately invested.

For example:

• “If you really loved me, you’d never question me.”
• “I couldn’t take that job. I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids so much.”

During a disagreement or fight, a manipulative person will make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot.

They’ll target emotional weaknesses with inflammatory statements in order to elicit an apology.

For example:

• “If you leave me, I don’t deserve to live.”
• “If you can’t be here this weekend, I think it shows your level of dedication to this office.”

A passive-aggressive person may sidestep confrontation. They use people around you, such as friends, to communicate with you instead.

They may also talk behind your back to co-workers.

For example:

• “I’d talk about this, but I know you’re so busy.”
• “I thought it was better if you heard it from someone else, not me since we’re so close.”

They don’t respond to your calls, emails, direct messages, or any other form of communication.

They use the silence to gain control and make you feel responsible for their behavior.

This technique is meant to make you question your memory of events.

When you no longer feel certain about what happened, they can pinpoint the problem on you, making you feel responsible for the misunderstanding.

For example:

• “I never said that. You’re imagining things again.”
• “I wouldn’t commit to that. You know I’m far too busy.”

Manipulative individuals often have a reaction opposite of the person they’re manipulating.

This is especially true in emotionally charged situations. That’s so they can use your reaction as a way to make you feel too sensitive.

You then gauge your reaction based on theirs, and decide you were out of line.

For example:

• “You saw that everyone else was calm. You just got too upset.”
• “I didn’t want to say anything, but you seemed a little out of control.”

Gaslighting is a manipulative method with which people try to make you believe that you can no longer trust your own instincts or experience.

They make you believe things that did happen are a figment of your imagination. You lose a sense of reality.

For example:

• “Everyone knows that’s not how this works.”
• “I wasn’t late. You just forgot what time I said I’d be there.”

It may take time to realize someone is emotionally manipulating you. The signs are subtle, and they often evolve over time.

But if you think you’re being treated in this way, trust your instincts.

Apologize for your part, then move on. You likely won’t get an apology, but you don’t have to dwell on it either. Own up to what you know you did as a matter of fact, and then say nothing of the other accusations.

Don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game. Instead, learn to recognize the strategies so you can properly prepare your responses.

Set boundaries. When a manipulative person realizes they’re losing control, their tactics may grow more desperate. This is the time for you to make some difficult decisions.

If you don’t have to be near that person, consider cutting them out of your life entirely.

If you live with them or work together closely, you’ll need to learn techniques for managing them.

You may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counselor about how to handle the situation.

You could also recruit a trusted friend or family member to help you identify the behavior and enforce boundaries.

No one deserves to have another individual treat them in this manner.

Emotional manipulation may not leave physical scars, but it can still have a long-lasting effect. You can heal from this, and you can grow from it, too.

A therapist or counselor can help you recognize patterns that are dangerous. They can then help you learn ways to confront the behavior and hopefully stop it.

If you’re in the United States, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

This 24/7 confidential hotline connects you with trained advocates who can provide resources and tools to help get you to safety.