Dear Everyone Who Asks

DEAR EVERYONE WHO ASKS,

I AM STILL NOT OKAY.

I am not well, thanks. I am not feeling chatty to humor you guys either. I would love to answer your question truthfully, but then I would have to worry about your feelings. I would have to make apologies that I do not really mean. And I will not be able to hide my facial expressions either. Because the truth about me always seems to hurt everyone who is not good at empathy. What even is empathy these days, huh?

You all ask me if I am doing good.. if I have been alright because I have been rather quiet or distant. You suddenly noticed by absence after... days? weeks? Has it been months already?

I could not tell you how long it has been since I last participated in small talk with peers to market or pass as one of them. I cannot tell you anymore because time does not pass the same for me as it does for everyone else.

"Everyone" referring to those who I have interacted with on social occasions or within platforms, family that barely sees me and people who frequently cross paths with me.

When you ask me if I am okay or how I have been and I tell you the truth, it becomes an information dump of my stress issues to you, but a lifestyle for me.

My life is not a themed party or day of the week ritual. It is not a 'sometimes' or 'once in a while' experience that I can casually mention, as if it is a passing ship that infrequently bothers me.

My life is not a cool t-shirt, a sticker for my laptop case, or a cute mug quote.

I also carry the burdens of what everyone else thinks as well as the consequences of their ignorance.

Do you know how many people in my life have taken the time to sit down to understand what it means, looks like, and feels like for someone.

None!

Guess how many people have educated themselves on sensory issues, 

Sincerely, none who are close to me.

The thing is, beyond some cute quotes or Pinterest pins about these words, not many people understand what it means to be me.

But oh so many people around me have written out or stated out loud that they hate how everyone thinks they have everything", or "these people complain about accomodations being needed" like it is the biggest inconvenience and tragedy to hear from the voices of the the people who actually experience the struggles. It is an inconvenience to have to see their social media feeds covered in "complaints" and "requests".

I won't tell the "you how I am because the truth is you do not care. You do not care to learn about what it means to be like me. You do not care to have conversations that are more inclusive and caring, more accepting and vulnerable. You do not yet care enough to introspect about your own struggles and experiences because you still sit with the notion that it is ill mannered or weak minded to believe you even struggle.

I might seem like I am already ranting, but I am actually spelling out what is wrong. I am letting 'YOU' know that what I really want to say holds the weight of a million voices who also resonate with my experiences. My words carry the strength of all of these individuals who walk silently through the day with me that are invisible to "YOU'. This is not a light subject matter.

I think about what I want to say often actually. I think about how my brain is so different than a lot of the people around me. 

I think about how hard it is to get through normal tasks each day. How laundry, cleaning, making schedules, organizing things, just myself in my home feels so hard and tedious.  Every single thing I do in one day feels challenging and like I have to find solutions quickly to even catch up.

I think about how basic self care is a challenge. Remembering when I did the things and when to do them next, what to use and how, as well as even noticing when something is wrong. Or needs refilling.

When I tell "YOU' that basic things are a CHALLENGE for me, "YOU hear that I said it was nearly impossible. Then I get treated like a child, belittled, mocked, or left out of things because it becomes apparent that I am behind or delayed compared to how "YOU'. 

 I have heard personally "I cannot count on you then" or "you're much too slow to.." and then instantly I was considered too incapable to be asked again or relied on.

Now let's get into learning disabilities as an adult and how it can hinder someone wanting to run their own business OR freelance OR who has a job. I only internalized as a flaw for years prior. I have quite a few learning disabilities that I had no idea existed ,which caused me to struggle all of childhood and adolescence with particular subjects or assignments.

These conditions are still "with me" daily because it is part of how I am wired. I am BUILT like this.

Then there is the pesky duo "depression" and "anxiety" which a lot of adults struggle with. The thing is, you can have depression and anxiety for an array of reasons (that means a f*ck ton).  It matters for a person going through either or both to know where it stems from and how to treat it.

It matters to a  person (who is built and wired differently.  Putting WORDS to the motions and feelings is everything for someone who has SECRETLY struggled for so long just thinking it was their own flaws or lack of effort to get through what "YOU' call basic.

it is because I have plastered it all over the internet. Not because we have had a meaningful conversation about it.

I blog, I make content, I write hashtags and blast things out on social media about neurodivergence for the "ME  NOT specifically for you ". But it is a nice side bonus when someone learns more depth about these topics after reading one of my stories and tells me. It means something when someone learns and opens their mind. It means change is happening. And "change" is the thing that motivates me to not be silent about this.

The truth is... if you are still hear listening to me.. not just reading, but really listening. I am NOT okay, but I am alright.

I have an explanation for why I disappear for days? Weeks? Months?

My brain works differently than  you who are able to happily get through your work week with strides, keep a solid calendar and planner filled with events, think about and plan out your meals, find the perfect balance between home routines, and go enjoy leisure time doing something fun with your friends  that you have been tight with for years.

I have very poor short term memory.

I have executive dysfunction.

I have Time blindness.

I have poor interoception and a lot of sensory issues.

I am sensitive to loud noises, I hear electricity and appliances going off all day long.

I have an inner dialogue that never shuts off and grows to the noise/speed of a room full of jurors debating over topics of my interest or memories from my past.

I do not know what the date is, the time is, or what appointments are happening next regardless of how many alarms or paper calendars, apps, or reminders I set.

I am constantly trying to figure out what people want, what they feel, if they are mad or upset, if i did something wrong, or if i need to say something specific to get their attention and engage with me.

I am F*CKING EXHAUSTED is how I am. It is because I spent all these years not knowing I was built different, so I was miserably failing at meeting anyone's bar for success. I was always struggling in all situations and very naive to social situations. Things are structured. Things are not yet designed or accommodated for people like "ME. 

I am well aware I have lost you by now.. This is a rant for you, while for me it is a heartfelt and planned out explanation of why asking how I am is F*CKING IGNORANT. I know that is offensive to say.. for you to hear. But this 'explanation" is not complicated, too long, or confusing.

You may think I threw out all these words you do not know the definition of, but that is my intent. Because truly, it is not my job to just educate you on what you are fully capable of learning on your own.

I live this way daily. You can take the time to learn and better understand me so that when you cross paths with me, you ask something entirely different. And you do not pity me anymore. You just ask because you want to know the actual answer to that question and engage with me in a way that shows you actually care.

In my world, we  have different ways of doing things! The things we all want as humans, the things we need to survive and to find joy. We all deserve friendships, love and relationships, intimacy, understanding, and joy.

I struggle daily but I find pockets of joy at random. So it is not all bad. But it is hard.

Instead of wondering why I have not called, why I do not text back, why I am seemingly quiet in a corner, why I always seem in my own head, or why my face and body language scream that I am not okay.

I need more "YOU to genuinely smile at me. To ask me if I have done anything interesting or learned anything new lately.  Ask me if I have watched anything good on Netflix and share what you have been watching. Ask me if I am working on something creative or cool I would like to share about. Ask me if i need anything.

Just stop asking me if I am okay!

There's an unspoken understanding among my friends that if we drop off the map for weeks or even months at a time, it does NOT mean we're ghosting anyone. Just that we need alone time to hunker down & focus on self care & our basic daily responsibilities (forcing ourselves to shower once a week, feed our plets,  & if we have time, feed ourselves , anything that helps us re-regulate & try to struggle through another week.)

I'm breaking up with S.C.

This letter is long overdue if I am honest. So much I no longer have the space to write all the names of who this is for. At this point, it is for all the trauma I have accrued from growing up in South Carolina.

Dear Mom, 

 If I’d only had the capacity to understand then, 25 years ago, what I know now we would have been closer. After my brother was born I felt obsolete. Whether that was fair or not really wasn't relevant. I was eleven and from my young point of view he took all of your time away and I was lonely

Finding One's Self:

You always had that one person you thought would be there until the end. Growing up was always a burden on my shoulder when I felt wanted. I always had that fear of not being good enough for anyone that came into my life. 

Rainbows are made of dozens of droplets coming together to project a prism in the skies. None identical, each unique,

Sincerely ,